I sit under a bench in the shade
Old San Juan is where I spend most of the day
Listening to parched leaves scrape against the cobblestone
Birds chirping their happiness as bread crumbs fall against their beaks
In the distance, a few benches away, I feel your presence
I feel your eyes on me
You watch me as I write these words
My curiosity peaks me as I now watch you write words to your own poetry
I wonder if you write of me
Wonder if I have become your muse
A smile spreads across your face
I like it, but don’t let you see the smile that spreads across mine
I continue to watch you in my peripheral
Your hand moves ferociously
I am inspired to be your inspiration
I get up to come speak to you
It’s then that I realize you are not alone
Your smile was never for me
Your pen didn’t move for me
I try my hardest not to let you see my embarrassment as you hand your notebook to she
She
For it is she from whence your inspiration breathes
Not me
I run back to the taxi
And drive away from Old San Juan
© Jewells 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Forgiving the Past
I’ve been carrying this with me for years
And I’m tired of holding on to it thinking it would simply disappear
It all happened in my senior year
I was seventeen
I had low self esteem
It was so bad that I gave my virginity away
To a fool thinking it would get him to stay
What was I thinking?
That fool had the nerve to say I was too dark for him
He even did the brown paper bag test
Had me pouring bleach on my skin
If only I had wised up instead of sitting on top of him
But it didn’t stop there
I was busy looking for love, some comforting affection
I had my father but the pulpit was his mission
My need for him to give me his attention fell by the wayside
Meanwhile his high school classmate made it his mission to have me by his side
He was forty-three
Mind you, I was only seventeen
As I lay in his bed, his arm wrapped around me
He had the audacity to make me feel his vein and said, “I’m missing a kidney.”
I wanted to cry, wanted to run
I’m only seventeen, I should be having fun
Not laid up with a man on dialysis
How was I going to live through this?
He knew he was wrong for what he did
‘Cause he took a shower with me to ensure I washed away the evidence
It was supposed to be our secret
But when he found out that my parents knew
All he could say was, “my wife wants to talk to you.”
Your wife? Your wife?
There I was seventeen committing adultery
Where was she when you had me on my knees?
Maybe she could’ve saved me from a life so humiliating
You weren’t afraid to have me in your bed
But you almost peed your pants when you found out your ass might be going to the can
I can’t stand you for what you did
I was only seventeen
I was still just a kid
If I saw you right now I’d probably spit in your face
Sitting here writing this poem with tears rolling down my face
If hate wasn’t a sin I’d hate you straight to hell
And you best believe I’m hoping your other kidney has failed
I’ve been carrying this angst for over a decade
I pray to God I let it go before the next decade
God please take this pain and shame away
© Jewells 2008
And I’m tired of holding on to it thinking it would simply disappear
It all happened in my senior year
I was seventeen
I had low self esteem
It was so bad that I gave my virginity away
To a fool thinking it would get him to stay
What was I thinking?
That fool had the nerve to say I was too dark for him
He even did the brown paper bag test
Had me pouring bleach on my skin
If only I had wised up instead of sitting on top of him
But it didn’t stop there
I was busy looking for love, some comforting affection
I had my father but the pulpit was his mission
My need for him to give me his attention fell by the wayside
Meanwhile his high school classmate made it his mission to have me by his side
He was forty-three
Mind you, I was only seventeen
As I lay in his bed, his arm wrapped around me
He had the audacity to make me feel his vein and said, “I’m missing a kidney.”
I wanted to cry, wanted to run
I’m only seventeen, I should be having fun
Not laid up with a man on dialysis
How was I going to live through this?
He knew he was wrong for what he did
‘Cause he took a shower with me to ensure I washed away the evidence
It was supposed to be our secret
But when he found out that my parents knew
All he could say was, “my wife wants to talk to you.”
Your wife? Your wife?
There I was seventeen committing adultery
Where was she when you had me on my knees?
Maybe she could’ve saved me from a life so humiliating
You weren’t afraid to have me in your bed
But you almost peed your pants when you found out your ass might be going to the can
I can’t stand you for what you did
I was only seventeen
I was still just a kid
If I saw you right now I’d probably spit in your face
Sitting here writing this poem with tears rolling down my face
If hate wasn’t a sin I’d hate you straight to hell
And you best believe I’m hoping your other kidney has failed
I’ve been carrying this angst for over a decade
I pray to God I let it go before the next decade
God please take this pain and shame away
© Jewells 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Psyche
*Inspired by sitting on a porch listening to the sound of crickets and staring into the darkness of trees at night*
He touches me with his words
and my mind trembles
letters mate and make fragments of what my heart resembles
consonants that make my thighs squeak
from liquids created by his tongue’s thrusts
of proverbial sentences
speech
and potent lyrics
I sing for him
give him in return what he gives me
constantly
he
originates what the dictionary can’t delineate
pronunciate
reiterate
or replicate
he has me medi ta ting
self edu cat ing
on his afterthoughts
defining moments of subjective predicates
metaphoric concordances
filled with
adverbs and adjectives
periods and contractions
semicolons and hyphens
or was that hymens?
yeah, it was hymens from being the first to introduce his way of thinking
the annals abound with recollections of
climatic instances where virgins first heard his language
his native tongue had their ears sprung
tossing their minds open
and allowing him to penetrate their thoughts
freely allowing him to implant his knowledge into their garden of life
just as he slang his dic-tionary at them
I want him to enlighten me with it again
make my mind tremble again
as my cerebrum throbs open
and his knowledge flows into my garden of life
I conceive another thought
just…
like…
him
© Jewells 2008
He touches me with his words
and my mind trembles
letters mate and make fragments of what my heart resembles
consonants that make my thighs squeak
from liquids created by his tongue’s thrusts
of proverbial sentences
speech
and potent lyrics
I sing for him
give him in return what he gives me
constantly
he
originates what the dictionary can’t delineate
pronunciate
reiterate
or replicate
he has me medi ta ting
self edu cat ing
on his afterthoughts
defining moments of subjective predicates
metaphoric concordances
filled with
adverbs and adjectives
periods and contractions
semicolons and hyphens
or was that hymens?
yeah, it was hymens from being the first to introduce his way of thinking
the annals abound with recollections of
climatic instances where virgins first heard his language
his native tongue had their ears sprung
tossing their minds open
and allowing him to penetrate their thoughts
freely allowing him to implant his knowledge into their garden of life
just as he slang his dic-tionary at them
I want him to enlighten me with it again
make my mind tremble again
as my cerebrum throbs open
and his knowledge flows into my garden of life
I conceive another thought
just…
like…
him
© Jewells 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Going on a Journey
I'm going on a cruise
Departing from Panama City 1978
My destination is unknown
Cutting through the choppy waves of my brain
Hoping to find my beginning
To answer questions of my present
And obtain direction for my future
© Jewells 2005
Departing from Panama City 1978
My destination is unknown
Cutting through the choppy waves of my brain
Hoping to find my beginning
To answer questions of my present
And obtain direction for my future
© Jewells 2005
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Questioning This
I try to understand things
open my scope of seeing things
and when I do
when I open myself to you
I find myself just as clue...
less
is more they say
the more I give
the more you take
will there ever be a moment of equal partake...ing
or am I fooling myself with my hopeful thinking
open my scope of seeing things
and when I do
when I open myself to you
I find myself just as clue...
less
is more they say
the more I give
the more you take
will there ever be a moment of equal partake...ing
or am I fooling myself with my hopeful thinking
© Jewells 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Life
Life is what it is
a mystery in itself
the Shirlock is I
and I
must investigate
and meditate
on the clues
to discover the secrets of my life
© Jewells 2005
a mystery in itself
the Shirlock is I
and I
must investigate
and meditate
on the clues
to discover the secrets of my life
© Jewells 2005
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Untitled
This is my part of a "pass the mic" section on a message board a few years.
...we will let you
continue
to do only what you can do
because this cell that i've locked myself in
is corrupt with sin
only to be forgiven
by you
the self hatred building up inside i and me
combusting my flesh between the seams
cremating this old, unstable being
provides me with a new beginning
and allowing another chance to live eternally
pleased
in a mindset of equal opportunity
eradicating suicidal thoughts
and borderline psychotic walks
free from conformity
adjusting to a life of individuality
queen of insanity no longer residing
in this facility
© Jewells 2004
...we will let you
continue
to do only what you can do
because this cell that i've locked myself in
is corrupt with sin
only to be forgiven
by you
the self hatred building up inside i and me
combusting my flesh between the seams
cremating this old, unstable being
provides me with a new beginning
and allowing another chance to live eternally
pleased
in a mindset of equal opportunity
eradicating suicidal thoughts
and borderline psychotic walks
free from conformity
adjusting to a life of individuality
queen of insanity no longer residing
in this facility
© Jewells 2004
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Stray Thoughts
Confusion
Delusions
My thoughts when it comes to you
The need for understanding
Of what is
As well as what isn’t
What exactly are we doing
The talking
The holding
Touching
Breathing as One
Too strong to leave you alone
Yet my heart can’t handle holding on
I can already feel myself losing myself
Just the simple thought of you
Seeing you
Being with you
© Jewells 2005
Delusions
My thoughts when it comes to you
The need for understanding
Of what is
As well as what isn’t
What exactly are we doing
The talking
The holding
Touching
Breathing as One
Too strong to leave you alone
Yet my heart can’t handle holding on
I can already feel myself losing myself
Just the simple thought of you
Seeing you
Being with you
© Jewells 2005
Monday, March 10, 2008
Renewal
Quiteness finds me
forces me on a despondent journey
inside
deep inside
where unhappiness resides
no longer able to hide
from my own lies
my fears
my cries
I initiate the demise
of self
past and present
the destruction evident
by a deadly virus taken resident
the only vaccination
emancipation
from self
you see I'm holding myself captive
by my thoughts
my actions
too much procrastination
and hesitation
too busy seeking external validation
because internally I won't validate myself
but I want to
I need to
shed this dead skin
release a decade of pain
but it’s too late
cause see
this cancer I've inflicted upon myself from my toxic thinking
has feasted and grown
attached to my mind and my soul
its hold is too strong
I need the antidote
before it's too late
my thoughts must proliferate
positively create
to take control
make me over
a new life is in order
because I'm tired of being trapped
within
this is my declaration
my desperation
has brought me to this destination
I bury the me I once was
breathe life into the new me I've desired to become
my moment has arrived
and
now
I
can
fly
© Jewells 2004
forces me on a despondent journey
inside
deep inside
where unhappiness resides
no longer able to hide
from my own lies
my fears
my cries
I initiate the demise
of self
past and present
the destruction evident
by a deadly virus taken resident
the only vaccination
emancipation
from self
you see I'm holding myself captive
by my thoughts
my actions
too much procrastination
and hesitation
too busy seeking external validation
because internally I won't validate myself
but I want to
I need to
shed this dead skin
release a decade of pain
but it’s too late
cause see
this cancer I've inflicted upon myself from my toxic thinking
has feasted and grown
attached to my mind and my soul
its hold is too strong
I need the antidote
before it's too late
my thoughts must proliferate
positively create
to take control
make me over
a new life is in order
because I'm tired of being trapped
within
this is my declaration
my desperation
has brought me to this destination
I bury the me I once was
breathe life into the new me I've desired to become
my moment has arrived
and
now
I
can
fly
© Jewells 2004
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Temporary Mind-Wandering
What is this
This communication we have both been seeking
Searching
Waiting for a reply
Until the morning light
A verbal exchange of past, presents, and futuristic desires
Hungering for a meal that has never before been prepared
Either that or it has simply been ignored
Are you feeling me
‘Cause I am feeling you
Your words
Your aspirations
Your need for more
So keep bringing the conversation because I want some more
And more
And more
Until I can’t take no more
And then give me some more
Let there be no confusion
This world is full of illusions
Contorted thoughts
And humiliating misconceptions
I’ll just sit back and wait for the next communication
© Jewells 2008
This communication we have both been seeking
Searching
Waiting for a reply
Until the morning light
A verbal exchange of past, presents, and futuristic desires
Hungering for a meal that has never before been prepared
Either that or it has simply been ignored
Are you feeling me
‘Cause I am feeling you
Your words
Your aspirations
Your need for more
So keep bringing the conversation because I want some more
And more
And more
Until I can’t take no more
And then give me some more
Let there be no confusion
This world is full of illusions
Contorted thoughts
And humiliating misconceptions
I’ll just sit back and wait for the next communication
© Jewells 2008
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